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For the next two weeks, I’ll be in San Francisco for what most people call “work.” Apparently, if you provide labor to someone, they in turn pay you with money, which can then be exchanged for goods and services. It’s not a bad deal, and I have decided to start receiving some of this “money.” But fear not, The Robot Uprising* continues this Friday (9.12.08) at 10p at The Duke Theater! If you don’t know where it is, don’t feel dumb, just look it up. Last week I was in The McGlohon Theater, and after the show, people were asking me where The Duke Theater was. (If you’re reading this, and don’t get the joke, it’s because The McGlohon Theater is in the same building as the Duke Theater.) I have seen the sketches for the new show, and believe me when I tell you, you’ll hate yourself even more if you do not attend.
But back to San Francisco. I can’t stop thinking about a conversation I had last year. The other party in this story shall remain nameless, because:
A) You don’t know the woman
B) Other than the horrifying homophobia (Def Leppard’s best album) she’s a nice old lady just set in her ways.
So it went down like this. I tell this nice old lady that my sister lives in San Francisco. This nice lady gets a look on her face like an ape had farted while sitting on her bed, and replies, “Why would anyone EVER want to go there?”
For months I have tried to imagine the picture that was in this nice lady’s head that day. I did know that it had to involve something a little gay, and something a little frightening. Today, while randomly searching pictures, I found this:
And now I know. I’m sure the man pictured above never thought anyone would ever be saying this, but I can sleep a little easier tonight after having seen this photo. I’ll see you all in two weeks. Goodnight you Queens of the Queen City! You Kings of the Carolinas!
- Papabot
* The Robot Uprising was something I TOTALLY came up with on the fly! (Performs air guitar)
(left to right: some DJ, Jon Reep, Vic Davis, me, and Mike from The Comedy Zone)
Last Thursday I worked a stand-up gig with Jon Reep. (Last Comic Standing, Harold & Kumar 2, Hemi commercials) Reep’s a nice guy, and if they decide to restart the Blue Collar Comedy tour, they’re idiots if they don’t welcome him into the fold. He sold out the first show at about 740 people. If you’ve never stood in front of 740 people by yourself, let me tell you, it’s awesome. If you ever get the chance, you should do it. The first show started out great. I was killing. This isn’t something I usually say, because it’s rare when I actually do kill. To me, there’s nothing lamer than watching a comedian do well, and then walk off saying, “I killed!” When they didn’t. So trust me when I tell you, I was killing. I was about 15 minutes into my act when I made a big mistake. I uttered the phrase, “I hate children.” The second I said that, I had killed the laughter out of 700 plus people, and they immediately wanted me to be done. I sweat for the last 5 minutes, walked off, and made changes for the next show.
Me, not killing anymore.
So I went backstage, changed things around, added a few jokes, and got ready for round two. I got rid of the whole “I hate children” bit, which now tops the list of smartest things I’ve ever done. The second show had 300 or so people (Thursday at 9:30, which is a testament to Reep’s popularity) and this time, I killed all the way through. People laughed very hard, and I walked off feeling like the funniest man who’s ever lived, ever. This obviously isn’t true, because as we all know, the funniest man to ever live is Abraham Lincoln. (Shot by John Wilkes Booth, because he wasn’t a comedy enthusiast). I’m looking forward to do stand-up again. Which hasn’t happened in years.
Reminder: We’re going to be starting up shows next week. Our first show is 10pm on 9/12. However, we’re going to be doing another gig in the same theater (Duke Energy Theater) with the Collaborative Arts Theatre before our shows and a few extra dates. During these shows, some of our cast members will be appearing in commercials from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s to go alongside the sitcoms that will be performed (also from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s).
Now, part dos de dos. As part of our research for the aforementioned project (see part 1), we all watched practically thousands of hours of commercials. Now, admittedly most of these hours were spent during our childhoods and were generally unclear because of all of our crying because some people’s parents didn’t love them enough to buy them a real goddamned pony like the other kids said they had.Anyways. So, we watched practically twos of hours to research this project. During those hours, I found one commercial I could not rightly recall seeing. If I had, I would have probably just denied that such a thing had happened and blacked out the memory. Behold:
The person pictured here is an actress named Lindsay Lohan. When I used to waste my time watching stupidity like VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” she was always a topic for discussion because in real life, she’s a fucking train wreck, which is fun for some people to watch from a distance.
I’ve never thought about her one way or another, with the exception being “I need her publicist.” But today, after an IMDB search, I found that she has 20 real credits to her resume.
Why was I looking up Lindsay Lohan’s resume? That’s none of your damned business. My personal time is my own. But here’s where the “Hot Lindsay Lohan News!” part comes into it. I’ve only seen one of her movies, 2004’s “Mean Girls.” And from what I remember, it was pretty good. She played a good girl who became a mean girl to fit in with the mean girls so that later she could become a good girl again.
Most of the “work” she’s done just wasn’t made for me. And she also starred in a movie called “I Know Who Killed Me,” where apparently she played a woman desperately trying to keep a pole from falling over. I’ve never even heard of this movie. But then again, I’m very busy, because as most of you know, in my spare time I save minority babies.
(This message is for Lindsay, who no doubt will be reading this) After doing a google picture search, I have one piece of advice for you. Sometimes you might want to wear underpants. There’s a whole lot of pictures of your baby making parts floating around out there.
- Papabot
P.S. - I just realized that I saw her in “A Prairie Home Companion” as well. There’s a reason Garrison Keillor is on the radio. He looks like Babybot’s retarded uncle.
That says it all. The official decider of life and death in the entertainment industry, Entertainment Tonight, has proclaimed that Don LaFontaine is dead.
From this point on, Tom Cruise is going to have to announce that he doesn’t have time; Samuel L Jackson will have to announce more than normal that he is a man who is fed up and Kevin Spacey is just screwed.
You will be missed Don. Also, can you watch over John Leader, Al Chalk, Mark Elliot, and Nick Tate? God help us if they were all in the same place at the same time.
And Peter Cullen. Gotsta have Optimus Prime safe. For national security.
